Seriously, who cares? This is Riverdale, so just come as you are. Bring your baggage, bring your preconceived judgements. Heck, bring your dog!
Riverdale Church opens its doors again on Sunday 27th March 2016 for the first time in over two years. Well, that’s not strictly true as the builders and decorators have been in and out of the place every five minutes, (and at one point the doors were actually removed) but that’s splitting hairs. So to celebrate the grand reopening we’re having a “Churches United” service, which is basically like a Marvel Universe crossover, but with pastors/Christians from across the land, instead of superheroes. Think Secret Wars meets Songs of Praise. So please come along and mingle with folk from neighbouring churches. Just don’t let anyone poach you!
A WHOLE NEW URL
The eagle-eyed among you may have noticed a few changes/tweaks to our website. They’re mostly subtle changes that only an ardent nerd would spot, but the most notable thing is that our URL (Uniform Resource Locator)riverdalechurch.co.uk has become riverdale.church Yes, that’s all you have to type into your browser bar… no .co.uk, simply .church We won’t be relinquishing riverdalechurch.co.uk (primarily because I still have 274 business cards bearing that address) so feel free to type that out like it’s 2015!
NEW LATECOMERS POLICY
As most of you are aware, our Sunday morning service kicks-off at 11am PROMPT. So, with this in mind, you should arrive by 10:45 if you wish to partake in the pre-service preamble that includes copious amounts of coffee, an abundance of cake, and more chit-chat than The Graham Norton Show. That 10:45-11:00 window really is a fountain of fascinating facts. Please come and drink from the fountain! Last Sunday I learned that “Toto” in the Wizard of Oz was actually a fella, named Terry!
We’ve noticed an influx of stragglers in recent months, and I’ve been asked by a couple of people how we should best combat the disease of lateness. For the record, my comments about giving all latecomers a public flogging were tongue-in-cheek, and I have no qualms with latecomers. Actually, a lot of my friends are latecomers!
Unfortunately, it would appear that the traditional “You’re late!” glare, and the “rolling of the eyes” routine just don’t cut the mustard anymore. So I’ve come up with some new guidelines on how we should deal with these people. Sorry, the document should have been sent out via e-mail last week, but I’m running late on a few things. My wife Carol has sprained her wrist, so I’m having to take on the lion’s share of the household chores, as well as juggling a load of emotional baggage.
I’ve covered a few key points below, so hopefully these will help!
Glance at your watch, tap it a couple of times, and then put it to your ear. Look puzzled.
*Please only do this with an analogue watch. I’ve seen a few people try to achieve this with a digital watch, and it just makes them look stupid.
Say “Oh, good afternoon! Nice of you to join us!”
*Only use this one if they waltz in after 12pm. If you start saying “good afternoon” at 11:30am then you’re the one with the problem.
Make a note of the times that they’re on time for social events. If they’re constantly early for non-church functions then you can say “Well, if you can make it on-time for a trip to the cinema….” You won’t need to finish the sentence.
Comment on how much you’re enjoying your pre-service coffee. If they express an interest, just say “Sorry, they close the kitchen at 10:59. Maybe next week?” Look slightly smug, and take another sip.
During the winter months people get a bit more cunning. Latecomers often remove their winter garments in the foyer, so that it looks less obvious when they walk in the main hall. They’re hoodwinking you into believing they arrived on time, but just nipped to the toilet. If you witness this, then please be sure to say “Has it warmed up outside?” so they know their cards have been marked.
DELVE INTO THE RIVERDALE ARCHIVES…